March 9, 2013

Married Life Lesson #1

Alright folks. Mr. K and I are going on 19-some-odd weeks and marriage and let me tell you. It's not easy,  granted, we've had some big issues to deal with that most newlyweds don't; nevertheless, our marriage will always be worth it. So. Let's talk about an uncomfortable subject for a second. Something they didn't mention anything about in our marriage counseling sessions. 

Yeah, Spanx, we woman have a love/hate relationship with those things. 

It's no secret that in the over-4 months since the wedding I've gained some weight. Between dropping my pre-wedding diet, the holidays, and my thyroid shenanigans, I've been eating a whole lot of stupid stuff and I'm not proud of how I've gone from feeling pretty good about myself and even wearing a bikini a few times last summer to feeling like a busted can of biscuits. That being said, it's also been a long time since I've worn my Spanx (probably since my rehearsal dinner, truth be told).

Ladies, I hope I have a chance to get this message to you before it's too late. But do not, I repeat DO NOT let your man see you in the act of PUTTING ON YOUR SPANX

He will not understand what's going on. 

He will be shocked and confused, he might even try recording the act on his cell phone. 

It's not a good situation, I promise. No one warned me about this. Obviously, the newlywed sites, like The Nest, encourage you to maintain certain boundaries like keeping the door closed when you go to the bathroom. But nope. No one's ever said that it could be dangerous to let your man see you squeeze your big ass into a teeny tiny nylon torture device from HELL

Of course that's not what yours truly looks like in them.
Now Mr. K is a nice guy, and might I add, not a small man himself. So he probably does not have any room to ask questions like, "Do you think that's going to work?" or "Have you worn those before?" or "Can you breathe, will you be able to eat in those?" Obviously in his studies to become an engineer, they did not cover the expansive properties of nylon and how it can grow to accommodate almost anything.

Halfway through the process, I realized his egging would be too much for me to endure just to get dressed, (as I'm hopping around, contorting my body into odd poses, sweating, trying to slide into these Spanx). So with the damn things still around my knees, I waddle into the bathroom to finish and hear Mr. K trying to comfort our pup Louie on what they'd just witnessed. 

So ladies, if you think your husband can handle the sight of putting on Spanx, I urge you to reconsider. Maybe there are just some things in marriage that are better left to the imagination. :)

P.S. If by chance you find yourself thinking, "Teehee, I don't have to wear Spanx," or if you've never even heard of them: do me a favor and go stand in the corner while you say those thoughts out loud.

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